Numbing My Life
by RebellingRose
Summary: Recently rewritten used to be called Numbing Life! My version of Orangesoda111's fanfiction Numb. Bella becomes addicted to drugs and selfharming after being violently abused by someone close to her. This is how she overcomes the obstacles and free's herself from the past. Will she come clean to her friends or will she fall even deeper? All Human!
1. Chapter 1

_**A.N: I started writing this a while back and a lot of things happened so I never got around to finishing and have now decided to rewrite it all. Most of the story won't have changed but sorry guys that its taken me so long.**_

**Some background information for this story that you should know: **

**Bella Swan is Emmet's younger sister; 19 years old, currently single, ex- boyfriend is Edward **

**Emmett Swan is Bella's older brother, 21 years old, currently dating Rosalie**

**Alice Cullen is Edward's adoptive sister, 19 years old, currently dating Jasper**

**Edward Cullen is Alice's adopted brother, 20 years old, currently dating Tanya, ex- girlfriend is Bella**

**Rosalie Hale is Jasper's twin sister, 20 years old, currently dating Emmett, ex- boyfriend is Phil **

**Phil Dwyer is 22 years old, currently dating Renee, ex- girlfriend is Rosalie**

**Jasper Hale is Rosalie's twin brother, 20 years old, currently dating Alice**

Bella's POV

I blasted my music to help drown out the thoughts of my sucky life. My life is shit I said to myself. Blasting my music only helped so much, to blare out all of the thoughts running through my brain. I glanced around the carriage only to receive several dirty looks from people on the subway, they were quick to turn away when they noticed me glaring back, giving them a look telling them to fuck off. So here I am on the subway, I'm running away from my home, running away from Renee and Phil. As I thought of Phil I shuddered, I never want to remember him again or see him, I've decided that I'm going to some run-down town in Alaska to live with my brother Emmett, I hope he's ok. I hope he doesn't mind my surprise visit, well to be honest I actually couldn't give a fuck if he minds that I'm going to be moving in as we aren't exactly on the greatest of speaking terms, well to be completely honest with you that's a huge understatement, he was so pissed off at me, last time we saw each other that he took Rosalie's side of the argument.

_Flashback _

_Rose and I had gone to 'the party of the year' with my brother and our group of friends. I can remember that party so vividly I still remember the last friendly reaction I had from Rose was when she referred to us as_ "_the two hottest bitches at this party" we toasted our drinks and laughed until Rose turned to me and said_ "_I think Phil is cheating on me" I must have looked so shocked_, "_There is no way that he's cheating on you Rose I can see the way he looks at you, he loves you." I said believing it to be true. A statement I will forever regret, because that turned out to be so wrong._

"_You're right" Rosalie agreed but I could see the doubt held in her voice. _"_Hey love" Edward said as he approached us, and gave me a kiss on the forehead. _"_I love you" I said to Edward, at that moment I completely forgot Rosalie was there. _

"_I love you too" Edward said. He kissed me, the kiss was intense wrapping us into a bubble that burst when Rosalie cleared her throat. I pulled away blushing violently and muttered "Sorry" to Rose. Edward was the most serious boyfriend I've ever had I loved him so much. We had been talking about taking our relationship to the next level yet I still didn't feel ready, I was still a virgin._

"_Hey Phil" Rose said and kissed him on the cheek, I've never seen Rosalie fall so head over heels for a guy before she started dating Phil. He was so good for her._ "_Hey babe, hey Bella & Eddie" Phil said and sat down next to us. _"_Hey" I said and Edward put his arm around my shoulders before turning to Phil glaring at him jokingly "It's Edward not Eddie". I felt my phone vibrate I'd gotten a text, it was from Phil. Strange that he was texting me when he was sitting with us. _

_**Hey got a gift for Rosalie want 2 cum with me and get it?**_

_I texted back. _

_**Sure**_

"_Babe I'm going to go get a drink I'll be right back, Bella do you want to come?" Phil asked._

"_Sure" I said leaving with Phil to get Rosalie's gift. We pushed through the crowd of people; the music was way too loud to hear anyone._ "_It's upstairs" Phil screamed but I barely heard him, I nodded my head and we went upstairs. We went into this bedroom; he closed the door behind us so I gave him a puzzling look silent questioning him why._

"_Where's her gift? I bet you got her a bracelet or-" I was cut off by Phil kissing me; I shoved him hard to get him off me_. "_What the hell?" I screamed anger filling me. _"_Come on babe lets have some fun". _

"_EW! No I'm going back downstairs then I'm telling Rosalie what you just did!" _

"_Come on, it will be fun, you're way hotter than Rosalie." Phil said._

"_NO!" I said walked past Phil to the door but he grabbed my arm and turned me to face him. He kissed me angrily and threw me on the bed. I struggled to get up so he pinned my arms at the front._

"_Stop" I screamed but all I got was him smiling at me, I struggled harder against his iron grip. Trying desperately to free myself. I won't go into details but let's just say that no matter how much I said no, how much I fought to get away from him, he refused to stop. He raped me! He stole my innocence. Next thing I knew it was morning and I was a mess. Rosalie walked in as I was getting up. Her expression looked so shocked and hurt._

"_Rose! Rosalie it's not what it looks like." I started before being cut off._

"_You- - you backstabbing slut!" She screamed at me._

"_Phil was cheating on me with you! You're a cold hearted bitch! Bella wait just you wait until Edward hears out about this, I can't wait to tell him how much of a whore you are!" Rosalie shouted, with tears streaming down her face._

"_I thought you were my friend Bella" Rosalie said sadly before grabbing a couple of water bottles and pouring them on Phil and me. "What the hell?" Phil shouted glaring between me and Rose._

"_We're through" Rosalie said to Phil she left crying. I started to cry silently knowing that this was the end. I practically ran out of the room never wanting to see Phil's face again but just before I left I heard him say_ "_You know you wanted it. Your mine now; you're a dirty slut who will ever love you." I cried as I did the walk of shame home. _

_I attempted to make myself appear as though nothing had happened. I didn't want Emmett worrying and questioning me. Thankfully Emmett was still sleeping. I scrambled into the shower putting it onto the maximum temperature. I began trying to scrub the dirty feeling off me but it didn't work, not even after I had scrubbed my skin till it was so red I was almost bleeding. I still felt like a dirty whore. I got dressed in my comfiest clothes and longest sleeved sweatshirt I owned so that I could hide the evidence of all that had happened, I had bruises in every part of my body. I collapsed on my bed and cried into my pillow. I would do this for a long time._

_End _Flashback

I got off of the subway. I glanced at my reflection in a mirror. I was dressed in black fitted sweat pants and a long sleeve dark blue almost black shirt. My hair hung down past my shoulders, dull and wavy. My brown eyes were filled with pain. I hated that I could still appear pretty-ish even in sweat pants. I was nervous of what Emmett's reaction would be to me. I got a taxi when we arrived at the address, my jaw dropped open. Wow, the house was huge. I double checked the address to ensure that I had arrived at the right address. I had there was no mistaking that this was the right house. I rang the doorbell hoping that it would be Jasper who opened the door. However luck wasn't on my side it was Emmett who answered the door, the first emotion that flickered across his face was shock. He wasn't expecting me. He probably didn't even know that I had gone missing. Renee and Phil probably hadn't noticed yet. I saw Rosalie and Edward with some girl I hadn't met before, I was drawn back into a flashback.

_Flashback_

_I thought about telling Edward what happened to me, but I knew he wouldn't believe me. Phil had set it up so perfectly, that it would appear like I was lying to cover that we were having an affair. The text messaging, the going alone places with him, ugh. Stupid! So fucking stupid! Bella and you call yourself smart. I cried harder every time I attempted to stop I closed my eyes and the memories of what had just happened to me would replay on a loop in my head over and over. I saw Emmett in my doorway, luckily he hadn't seen me crying._

_"Good morning Bellsy" he said as he came and gave me his famous bear hug. I cringed away from him. Attempting to calm myself, so that I wouldn't hyperventilate._

_"Morning Emmy" I said with no emotion in my voice. Praying he wouldn't notice the changes in me. "What's wrong?" Emmett asked, damn me and Emmett for being so close, that he always seems to know when I'm upset or when something's up._

_"Nothing, I feel sick" I lied keeping my eyes closed, stopping any tears. Emmett left I could tell he was worrying and didn't believe that I felt sick, that he knew there was something deeper. I thanked god that he just shrugged it off not questioning it. A while later I heard Edward and Emmett arguing outside my door._

_"Dude she's sick I think you guys can last one day without seeing her." Emmett said wait Emmett said guys who else is outside my door._

_"Dude listen I need to talk to her." Edward said _

_"Emmett let Edward talk to her." Rosalie sneered when she said her I always thought that Rosalie would always end up with Emmett they were best friends. There was a knock at my door_

_"Go away I don't feel good" I said and my voice broke twice but Edward came in regardless and shut the door behind him when Edward shut the door it instantly reminded me of when Phil shut the door and locked me in the room my breathing was ragged. My head was still on the mattress._

_"Bella" Edward said his voice full of anger and pain I sat up and looked at him his emerald green eyes were smoldering into my brown eyes._

_"Yes" I said my voice was surprisingly calm I thought my voice would be in hysterics now_

_"Did you?" Edward asked and I instantly knew what he meant he was asking me if I cheated on him. I didn't say anything I just looked down to ashamed to tell him about my rape and he wouldn't believe me if I did tell him._

_"Slut" Edward yelled at me_

_"What?" I asked_

_"Slut that's what you call someone who cheated on their boyfriend. We're done I never want to talk to you or see you again." Edward said and left slamming the door in the process. Tears in my eyes were threatening to spill over._

_Apparently Emmett had gone out to dinner with Rosalie and Edward and took their much for family loyalty I remember the argument that followed how Emmett screamed at me yelling about how could I do this to my boyfriend and my best friend he blamed me for Rosalie being sad. Over the next couple of weeks Emmett and Rosalie were boyfriend and girlfriend. Emmett and I grew distant as him and Rosalie grew closer he didn't even look at me. I felt like everyone I needed abandoned me at my time of need I started getting deeper into depression and self harm as I began cutting myself and doing drugs. Although Emmett doesn't know about that. I think he would've killed me if he knew that I cut myself or did drugs. My wardrobe drastically changed to I wore black all of the time. I could tell that Emmett wanted me gone and out of his life. So I decided to leave I packed all of my stuff I ran down the stairs and I could hear laughing. The laughing stopped when I walked in the room I saw Emmett with his arm around Rosalie's shoulder, Alice, and Jasper, and what I saw that made my heart drop was Edward with another girl she had strawberry blonde hair. Everyone was glaring at me and I looked away and was about to walk out the door with my suitcase when Emmett asked me_ _"Where are you going?" _

_I was taken aback by his words because, that was the first time he had talked to me in what seemed like months. I just ignored him and walked out the door heading to my beat-up truck I could hear his footsteps behind me, he was following me. I was just about to put my suit case in the back of my truck when Emmett grabbed my arm._

_"Bella where are you going?" Emmett asked and I saw everyone listening to us at the door_

_"Hmm I'm surprised you know my name because, you've been ignoring me for so long." I snapped back at him._

_"Bella what is your freakin problem?" Emmett asked I didn't know what to say I'm sure I looked stupid standing there speechless. Emmett took my suitcase and threw it in the back of my truck._

_"Fine go I don't care you can come back when you can tell me what is wrong with you!" Emmett screamed at me and I got in my car and drove from Forks to Phoenix to live with Renee. Living with Renee was eventful I barely said a word to her but she talked to me for hours. I lived with her for about a year. She gushed about this one guy she started dating she said his name was Phil I didn't think anything of it until she asked him to move in and I saw Phil it was the same guy that raped me. I panicked when I saw him he beat me for a while but he made sure Renee wouldn't find out like he wouldn't punch or slap me in my face. One night it got bad and I packed a backpack of stuff climbed out my window and got on a plane to Alaska to run away from Phil so here I am now outside Emmett's house._

_End Flashback_

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	2. Chapter 2

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I arrived outside Emmett's house and nervously knocked on the door. I was in luck he was home and answered the door "Hey, Em, I. erm, got kicked out can I stay here?" I lied to my brother not wanting to admit that I had run away as I would risk being sent back. Besides no matter how pissed I was at Emmett I never wanted to drag him down into the depths of hell that I was now residing due to that arsehole, Phil! Even when I think his name I shudder. I don't need Em worrying about this- wait a minute why would he worry about me, he hates me as do all his mates. He just stood there silently, ok how much had I had? Was I really that high to think that it was a good idea to come to my brother's place of all places. Maybe I should go back to Phoenix. I probably deserve it.

"Ok bye" I said awkwardly before turning around and beginning to walk back down the drive way when I heard Emmett growl "only a few weeks, no longer" Emmett sighed , there was venom in his voice so I could see and hear that he still that he hadn't forgiven me yet. As if I actually gave a fuck what he thought of me. I stalked past him inside. Gosh this place was just as huge as it appeared on the outside of the house maybe even bigger. The old Bella would've asked him when he won the fucking lottery but that Bella was brutally murdered a long time ago.

"Your room will be on the 3rd floor, second door on the right." Emmett said with a bored tone as though he was being forced to look after me. I said nothing and ran up the stairs. I opened the door and threw my backpack on the bed. I had been in a rush to leave so the only items I had packed had been my razors, my journal ( which I began writing in every day after the incident), 3 pairs of pants, 2 shirts and 2 sweatshirts, some pills of oxycontin, and small pouch of cocaine and of course my fake id. I realised I would probably have to find a drug dealer soon if I'm going to be staying here for a couple weeks. As I went through the contents of my backpack I found something that I hadn't realized I had packed it was a necklace that had an E pendant and next to it was a picture of Edward kissing my forehead, I quickly threw them back in the bag. Not quick enough I was thrown back into another flashback.

_Flashback_

_It was my birthday, the one day that I hated the most. Edward was driving me to his house for my birthday celebration. As we walked through the doors , everyone jumped up yelling surprise! I'm pretty certain that my cheeks had flushed a bright red from embarrassment._

"_Happy Birthday Bella!" Alice and Rose yelled as they came up to hug me, Emmett gave me his infamous bear hug._

"_Emmett can't I breathe" I choked out and all around me I could hear Emmett's booming laughter filled the room as he let me down._ "_Show me the love." Alice said before snapping a picture of me and Edward, Edward had been kissing the top of my head when Alice took the picture. Edward grabbed a present wrapped in blue sparkly paper and handed it to me with a huge grin. I opened it carefully when I saw what he had gotten me I gasped it was a gold necklace with the letter E on it. E for Edward._

"_Thank you babe I love it" I said and gave Edward a quick kiss on the cheek, Emmett wedged himself between us, putting his arms around our shoulders, separating us, he could be such a stupid overprotective brother at times. "I have one too" Edward said as he untucked a gold chain necklace with the letter B hanging from it. I stood there grinning like an idiot at that moment I couldn't have been happier. Too bad it would crash and burn._

_End Flashback_

Fuck me I need to get high now because whenever I'm on a down I begin to think. Thinking is hell for me so I try not to. I snatched up the pouch of cocaine and began to cut it into lines, when it had been properly prepared I snorted it. After a couple minutes the high began to set in. I started fidgeting uncontrollably I couldn't sit still and my heart started racing. A moment later I heard a knock at my door, ah shit I couldn't let Emmett see me like this. I checked myself in the mirror and saw that my eyes were dilated and I was definitely seeing double.

"Bella! Household meeting down stairs" Emmett shouted outside my door I was confused as to why Emmett shouted when he was outside my door and that he was acting like he didn't hate me. I pounded my head trying to calm myself.

"Bella" Emmett yelled irritated that I hadn't left the room yet. Actually I'm starting to get irritated of him. Stupid brother fuck off. "I'm in the shower" I yelled and turned on the water.

"There is no shower in your room" Emmett yelled back. Confused I thought to myself, what the fuck is he on there's a shower right next to my dresser, stupid me, stupid cocaine playing with my mind.

"OK fuck sake I'll be out in a couple of minutes I'm gonna get dressed." I yelled as I heard Emmett sigh. I sat there fidgeting for about 20 minutes or so I could feel the high starting to wear off I rechecked myself in the mirror. My eyes were dilated but other than that I appeared fine. I climbed well actually it was more like I stumbled down the stairs; everyone in the room looked irritated and annoyed.

"Took you bloody long enough" I heard someone mumble. I noted that Emmett was there along with Rosalie, Alice, Jasper, and the ginger chick I had noticed when Emmett answered the door. _Edward _stood with his arm around her_._ My heart skipped a beat he looked just as gorgeous as I remember but I knew that he would never want to talk to a dirty slut like me. Hey, who the fuck is the strawberry blonde and why is she wearing an E necklace. Why did Edward have a chain tucked into his shirt which probably had the first letter of whatever her name was.

"Why are you fidgeting so much?" Jasper asked. Was I? I hadn't noticed. "Why are you such an asshole?" I asked Jasper in response. I don't know why everyone looked at me so shocked, there was a long silence.

"Bella if you're going to be staying here then you're going to have to pay rent which is $1500 a month." Emmett stated. My jaw dropped did he not know just how much pot I could buy with that sort of money. "Of course if it's too much you can leave, you know where the door is and it's not like we want you here. You're a back stabbing slut." Rosalie said her voice filled with venom.

"Fuck you bimbo" I screamed back, there was plenty of vile shit I knew about her that I could have said but I didn't want to be kicked out. I walked to my room and slammed the door. I took out the razor, rolled up my sleeve, every square inch of my arm was covered in cuts and hand shaped marks. I counted to three. 1.. 2.. 3.. I then made another cut and felt the emotional pain disappear. I wrapped my arm carefully in a bandage. I took out my journal and flipped to an unused page.

_Dear Diary,_

_This is Bella I mean who else would it be? I moved in with my brother Emmett today you know the one that hates me. My ex-friends are there too they all glare at me. My ex boyfriend who I still love Edward is here and he had his arm around another girl. She looks like a fucking skank. What a surprise. To top off my day from hell I have to waste all of my drug money on fucking rent. Could my brother be any more of a dickheaded loser? I got called a slut today, I hate it when people call me a slut because although I know it to be true. I was raped and I'm a waste of space, another worthless whore._

_Signed from the whore you know as Bella. _

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	3. Chapter 3

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I woke up in a cold sweat. Yet another nightmare, I woke screaming but still I tried to muffle the sound with my pillow. I didn't want to wake the others and draw attention to my nightmares. I glanced at the clock on the bedside unit, it read 2:00am. I made a groaning noise because I knew that there was no way I was gonna be getting anymore sleep as I would be constantly waking with nightmares. Normally I would sleep slightly later and be up at 5 am. But that is due to the effects that the drugs have on me. Half asleep I crept down the hall to the shower and turned the shower onto the hottest temperature. Soon the comforting smell of my strawberry shampoo filled the air. After I had showered I want back to my room and dressed in my dark black skinny jeans with a long sleeve black shirt and I threw on the first black hoodie I came to. I'm not completely sure why I did it but I grabbed up the necklace Edward had given me and tucked it down my hoodie. Because of the nightmare I had suffered I decided to pop the rest of the oxycontin pills. Looks like i'll be needing to find a drug dealer sooner than I thought. I padded out of the bedroom before doubling back to grab my phone. I went downstairs and sat on the sofa in the darkness. Glancing at my phone I found that I had 10 missed calls from Renee. Sooner or later I was gonna have to tell her that I wasn't coming back this time. I may have run away several times in the past but I usually went back after a few days had passed not this time. Spontaneously I pressed call the phone had barely begun to ring when Renee answered.

"Bella Bella" Renee was panicking.

"Renee relax" I replied. Now to break the news. "Bella I will not relax. You need to stop with these little running away stunts. They have got to end. You can't keep making me and Phil worry like this. You do realise we worry about you right?" Renee asked her voice was full of concern, pff as is Phil worried about me, the only thing that Phil worried about was that he wasn't gonna have a human punching bag there to take his anger out on.

"Renee, I'm not coming back don't look for me." there was a long silent pause.

"What the hell do you mean you're not coming back?" Renee asked.

"I'm staying with some friends, send my truck to Forks and I'll collect it?" I demanded not wanting her or Phil to know where I was staying.

"Bella I can't just leave you with your friends, for one I don't know them how can I trust them to look after you. Two do they even know that you are on suicide watch? Tell me where you are and then stay there I'm coming to get you." Renee told me. Why the fuck does she always have to bring that up, it happened a while after Phil moved in with us.

_Flashback _

_I'm so fucking tired of the nightmares. So fed up with living in fear and I most certainly am tired and fed up with life. I had decided on what to do and I began the slow walk to the kitchen grabbed the first sharp knife I saw and ran to the bathroom. I turned the shower on full blast because I couldn't stand the smell of blood. I began to slowly slice open my wrists. It felt great at first until the pain settled in, the cuts were so deep. When I heard the knocking at the door I couldn't answer it because it felt like I couldn't find my lips. I felt at peace and I was happy at last, finally this is the end. I'm dying. Dying isn't hard its peaceful, living is the hard part. _

"_Bella,_ _Bella! Bella" I faintly heard the cries of my name becoming more and more desperate._

"_Bella what? Why? what did you do? Why did you do?" Renee asked in desperation and exasperation. Everything went black after that. When I woke up I found myself in the hospital. Renee was crying whilst answering these questions about depression. To which I lied on the answers, I told them I was happy and didn't know what I was doing when I cut myself._

_End Flashback_

"Renee you know I no longer cut, remember I can't stand the smell of blood" I lied to her.

"You're still a terrible liar. Is anyone up?" Renee asked trying to see if anyone was up.

"No they're all in bed scouts honour" I said in hope that Renee would shut the fuck up soon.

"Why not go to Emmett's instead of your friends? Or you could go to Carlisle and Esme's im sure they wouldn't mind you staying for a day or so until me and Phil are able to get you?." Renee asked.

"I'm so worried about you Bella. I miss you" Renee said with a motherly tone held in her voice. For the life of me I don't know why but I snapped. "Seriously Renee I'm not a little kid anymore, so stop treating me like one I'm 19 so I can do whatever the fuck I want." I screamed down the phone at her.

"What is wrong with you? You're not the Bella I used to know" Renee said on the verge of tears. I didn't feel the slightest hint of guilt even though I probably should. "Ha that's funny you haven't been here for half my life and you think you know me! Do you know what maybe the reason I left was because my mom is a heartless bitch!" I shouted before hanging up on her. Fuck me I have such a huge headache.

I walked into the kitchen and grabbed a pop tart, Edward wandered in at that moment wearing a dripping wet bathing suit. I almost choked on the pop tart when I saw his abs, that were perfectly sculpted-. Aw shit if Phil could see me, he would know exactly what I was thinking, and for thinking it, he would beat the crap out of me. Besides Edward would never look at me because, I've been broken and am still broken beyond repair. The little voice in my head told me that I should be afraid of him** (AN: She's still afraid of men because, of what Phil did to her)** but of course me being stupid I decided that I wasn't. As I stayed there I made my first mistake. Mistake number 1 was that I looked up. Mistake number 2, were that my eyes locked on Edward's piercing emerald green eyes. I don't know how long we stood there, but it felt like we were having a silent conversation. Edward opened his mouth as if he were about to speak. He asked me if I was high. Just when I was about to reply and make some bad ass remark back, the strawberry blonde ran in, dressed in a skimpy bathing suit, that didn't cover much if anything.

"Eddie" She purred.

"Tanya" Edward replied as 'Tanya' began to practically attack him. She began a full on make-out session with him. After a couple minutes had passed and they were still making out. I made a snide comment. "Eurgh! I think I just lost my appetite" I then threw out what remained of the pop tart. Just as I was about to head out the front door I heard Edward call out "wait" so I turned around.

"Isn't that my old sweatshirt? I want it back" what an arsehole, I noticed that it did indeed say Cullen on the sleeve which was probably written on the back too. I ripped off the sweatshirt and threw it at him.

"Asshole" I muttered under my breath ensuring that it was said just loud enough for him to hear it.

"What?" He asked forcefully, his voice still sounded like velvet. Or was that just me?

"You are an asshole" I said, deliberately saying each word slowly like you would to a child or someone with a mental condition. "Why don't you go back to your whore?" I told him, I noticed that my voice held a slight pang of jealously. I hope he didn't notice. Edward stalked closer and raised his arms so they rested on both sides of me.

"I thought you were the whore. Why don't you go back to Phil. You know the guy you cheated on me with?" Edward asked just as harshly as I had to him.

"Fuck you!" Tears beginning to swell in my eyes, I turned and shrugged him off trying desperately to suppress the memories that came flooding back with his words. "Dude, Tanya wants you to come back in the pool, man you coming?" Jasper asked Edward, but Edward kept on staring at my back as though he was trying to peer into my eyes, to look for answers.

"Dude?" Jasper asked again. I pushed Edward away from me, then turned and walked out the door slamming it shut behind me. I rode the subway to the "bad" parts of town, meaning the place where all the druggies and thugs or criminal types hang out. I glanced at people on the subway, and thought of all the times I wished to tell someone about what happened, just blurt it out, tell some random stranger, just to get it off my chest. I wished I had my journal so I could write;

_Dear Diary,_

_It feels like someone has punched a hole through my chest where my heart should be. I feel so empty. Every time I see him with the ginger bitch who is called 'Tanya'. I have to hold my breath otherwise I'm sure I would I burst into tears. I can try to block out my emotions. I wish I could be numb but I know there is a deep depression taking over me. I can feel it surrounding me. And I'm that girl, yes I'm the girl that makes her mom cry._

_Signed from the very depressed Bella._

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	4. Chapter 4

**Hey guys thanks for all of your reviews! If you have any suggestions or questions comment in the review section and I will get back to you either by personal message or on my profile page so thank you for supporting me by favouriting, following and reviewing. Please keep it up I love to hear all your comments. So anyway… Enjoy this chapter!**

As I scrambled off the subway I let out a deep sigh and carried on my way trotting down the streets until I noticed a drug deal taking place in an secluded alley. Perfect! This was just what I was looking for a drug dealer. I walked up to the dealer and as I got closer I felt more and more nervous as the dude was like 6 ft 3 at a guess. He had a deep practically russet coloured skin along with short jet black hair. I couldn't see his eyed tilted down. When he looked at me it felt like the world had stopped his eyes were filled with pain but he had such lovely brown hazelnut eyes.

"What is you're here for? I have roofies, coke, pain meds, meth?" The guy rambled on, but I was frozen the minute he mentioned roofies. This may sound sick and twisted but for a split second I wished Phil had roofied me that night, because at least then I wouldn't have to suffer by constantly remembering what he had done to me. I wish I could forget but as of yet I haven't been able to.

"I want to forget" I said aloud. I hadn't realised I'd said it until the Indian looking dealer answered.

"So roofies it is. They can make you forget".

"Hang on! Did I say that out loud?" I asked hoping that I hadn't let someone see my vulnerable side.

"I don't want roofies sorry. I'll take Coke and…. Are the pain meds Oxycontin?" I asked hoping they were.

"Yeah" He replied sounding slightly annoyed that I was questioning him. I handed him the $500 which I had stolen earlier from Edward's wallet when he wasn't looking. That will teach the prick a lesson in how not to be an arsehole and not to piss me off because it will cost him greatly.

"I'm Jacob by the way, here's my contact details if you need anything else" he said and handed me a business card with a mobile number under the name Jacob Black.

"Thanks. Bella my name's Bella" I answered before shaking his hand. I was about to leave when he asked me something.

"Want to grab a couple beers?"

"Sure" we left together and walked a couple blocks until we reached some dive bar. We chatted and laughed for a few hours or more. This was the first in a long time that I had felt alive and happy.

After a while we decided to call it a night. "Bye Jakey" I slurred.

"Bye Bells" Jacob slurred back he was as drunk as I was. I gave him a hug. With promises to stay in touch.

"Come on. I'll drive you home. " Jacob said.

"Bbbbbuuuuuttttt yoouuurrrr ddruuuunnnk. I'll drive if you just gimme the keys" I slurred.

"Ok your right." Jacob responded as he shuffled around in his pocket trying to grasp his keys.

"Duh and friends don't let friends drive drunk" I said attempting to sound superior and stern. Jacob just laughed at the fake sincerity in my voice. He handed over the keys. When we werehad finally gotten in the vehicle I checked the dashboard for the time. It was nearly 3 in the morning. Oops.

I drove us home, well back to Emmett's anyway. On the way we were both singing "sweet home Alabama" at the tops of our voices. We walked up the driveway, well it was more like we stumbled in the house.

"SHHHHH we don't want to wake them" I shushed Jake loudly, as Jacob was still singing Sweet home Alabama as loud as he could. A moment later all the lights flicked on. Fuck there was Emmett standing in front of me with Rosalie hiding behind him, behind them were Alice who was stood beside Jasper whilst Tanya was cowering behind Edward. Ha fucking hilarious they thought I was an intruder in the house. Jake stopped singing and started laughing along with me. My god their faces looked so confused. So fucking funny.

"Isabella are you drunk? Your 19! Your underage! How the fuck can you be drunk?" Emmett shouted. "Tell me you didn't drive home in this state?"

" I'm not drunk, watch me I can prove it. I'll say the alphabet backwards zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba" I said attempting to prove to my idiot of a brother that I wasn't drunk. Surprisingly I didn't slur once.

"That's awesome! I've gotta learn to do that. " Jasper said sounding impressed with my talent.

"Besides if I was drunk I wouldn't have been able to drive home. Jake here was gonna drive us home but me being such a good friend and all wouldn't let him. As friends don't let friends drive drunk. " I said matter of factly trying to make the last part sound like an officer would. It was ruined because me and Jake burst out laughing.

"You drove home. Bella what the fuck? What in the name of hell were you thinking? You could have been killed Bella! Are you insane? You could have crashed and died!" Emmett screamed at me.

"You make it sound like you care about me. What a fucking joke. I know that you don't. How do I know that to be true you may well ask? Well you didn't visit me in the hospital last year. Havent been in contact with me at all. You are so much like Charlie. You're a fucking replica." I yelled back. I knew I had struck a nerve with saying he was like Charlie. Because Charlie, our dad, loved his work more than he did us.

"Emm, you're really, I mean like really tall" I slurred. I was surprised when I commented on his height. I was surprised that I had even said it.

"Come here Bellsy" Emmett said before picking me up and carrying me upstairs to my bed.

"Emmy I missed you. You used to call me that all the time. Why don't you anymore? I wish we were close again" I said.

"Bells, you're drunk, you don't know what you're saying. You don't mean it. It's the drink talking" Emmett sighed.

"If I told you I was a whore and cheated on Edward. Would you say that it was the drink? That I didn't know what I was saying?" I asked him quietly.

"Good night Bella" Emmett said almost reluctantly. I frowned once Emmett left. So I took out my journal and wrote.

_Dear Diary,_

_SWET HME ALBMA! Lol! Ematt called me Bellsy! I miss hen he used to call me tat all the time. He's weally tall now when did that happen?! Anyways… YAY I met a new end, it's a gay named Jacob Black. I call him Jake. His my new dg dler. I found out that I'm such a good friend because he was drunk and all. So I sid in my supieory voice that friends don't let friends drive drunk. I drove us all the way home. I flet so alive for the frist time in a while._

_Sgined from, the not durnk Blla._

**You know what to do after the beep. R&R especially the R for Review! Press the review button after the beep… … … … … … … … … … … ….. …. …. ….. Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeppppppppppppppp ppppp **


	5. Chapter 5

**Hey guys just so you know your reviews are what motivate me to write the new chapters ASAP! Ha ha ha ha. Enjoy this chapter! And once again thank you for your kind support! Have fun.**

I woke screaming into my pillow yet again. It seems like I was trying to muffle the sounds of my screams subconsciously now. I moaned as I got out of bed, I pulled on a pair of black sweatpants and my paramore t-shirt **(A.N – I love paramore, they're just awesome)**,grabbed some clean underwear, my toiletries and a towel and headed down the hall to the bathroom for a shower. Half an hour later I had finished in the shower and already back in my bedroom. I picked up my black My Chemical Romance zip up hoodie **(A.N – I also love My Chemical Romance, fav album ever is the Black Parade album)**and put it on along with my E necklace. Urgh, I have such a massive hang over my head is pounding and my mouth feels like cotton wool. I don't remember how I got home. How drunk did I get last night?! I decided to check my journal to see what I wrote. Normally I wouldn't check my journal unless I had gotten so drunk or high that I couldn't remember anything that had happened. This is due to the fact that I never want to relieve any of my memories, well if I don't have to anyway. The last thing I remember is having a few drinks in this shady bar with Jake. I may not remember much but I have this feeling that we had a good time. That I had enjoyed myself for once.

_De Dary,_

_SWET HME ALBMA! Lol! Ematt called me Bellsy! I miss hen he used to call me tat all the time. He's weally tall now when did that happen?! Anyways… YAY I met a new end, it's a gay named Jacob Black. I call him Jake. His my new dg dler. I found out that I'm such a good friend because he was drunk and all. So I sid in my supieory voice that friends don't let friends drive drunk. I drove us all the way home. I flet so alive for the frist time in a while._

_Sgined from, the not durnk Blla._

OMG was I really that drunk last night. What happened to make Emmett call me Bellsy again? Fuck me I must've done the saying the alphabet backwards thing to try to prove that I wasn't drunk. Why on earth did I write Sweet home Alabama? What could it mean? Oh no Emmett's probably gonna try and do some crappy intervention thing like they do on Dr. Phil. I hope he doesn't attempt to it will just end in embarrassment and humiliation. I grabbed Jake's business card and called the number on it. He picked up not long after I dialled.

"Who's this?" He asked sleepily.

"It's Bella" I said feeling just as tired as he sounded.

"Bells!" Jacob screamed sounding excited on the phone.

"Jakey" I said with mock enthusiasm.

"I have a really bad hang over" Jacob groaned.

"Same here. It sucks." I said grumpily.

"I know this is gonna sound random and stuff. But do you remember anything about Sweet Home Alabama?" I asked. Jacob burst out laughing down the phone.

"What is it?" I asked, wondering whether he had lost it.

"I do remember us singing that loudly. We were really drunk and did you know that you can say the alphabet backwards whilst pissed as fuck. You have got to teach me that sometime." Jacob said. I could hear the smile in his voice. I felt mortified, why do I always do embarrassing shit like that while I'm drunk? Am I ever gonna learn to not be an embarrassment?

"Where are you?" I asked.

"I'm in my car, which is outside this huge house. I'm parked right next to this shitty old red truck." Jacob answered.

"No bloody way, you're parked outside the house I'm living in! Don't hate on the truck." I exclaimed. Jacob laughed at me.

"Sweet, I'm coming to the door." He replied still laughing. I felt so pumped knowing that my baby, my gorgeous red truck was outside. Yes that meant no more subway. Woop Woop! I ran out of the room and bumped into someone who had obviously just come out of the shower. Just before I hit the ground the person grabbed me. I opened my eyes to find that it was a shirtless Edward, wrapped in only a towel around his waist that I had bumped into. Why is it that when ever I see him, he is always shirtless?

"Watch where you're going, jerk!" I said. It took every once of my control to push myself away from him. But I did even though I wish I could stay there in his arms. I ran downstairs and swung open the front door.

"Jake!" I screamed. I was so happy to see him, at first it looked like he was going to hug me, but I turned away before he could. I don't feel ready yet for anyone to touch me whether it was just a friendly hug.

"Wait here for a minute. I'll be back in a sec just got to get something and by something I mean I need to get high." I whispered the last part and Jacob nodded. So I went upstairs, crushed a few of the oxycontin pills and swallowed them. I cut myself to release all of the emotional pain I had built up over the past day or so. I wrapped it in a bandage and walked downstairs. As I reached the bottom step I was surprised to see Rosalie was talking to Jake.

"You know she's a walking STD so I would advise you to stay away from her." I overheard Rosalie telling Jake. Oh fuck no bitch. I won't let you disrespect me to my friends.

"Shut the fuck up. What the hell blondie?" I yelled at Rosalie. That good for nothing bleached blonde whore thought I was gonna let her walk all over me. Disrespecting me to everyone, not gonna fucking happen. "You wanna fight? Bring it!" I challenged her.

"I was explaining to this nice little friend of yours here. All about your backstabbing sluttish past. How you didn't care who you slept with. Even if it was your best friends boyfriend and that you cheated on your boyfriend at the time. I didn't want him to be surprised if you slept with him tonight and in the morning him waking up with an STD. Because we all know you are just that a walking, talking STD." She said in a bitchy tone, she smirked like I couldn't do anything. All I wanted to do at that moment was wipe it off her face with my fist. Just as I went to punch her in the face, I had already extended my arm back, Jake grabbed my hand. Stopping me. I gave him a look that read what the fuck but then he smiled at me. I looked back at Rosalie she looked scared. Good! She should be.

"Lets go Bells before she says something that pisses me off to punch her for you." Jacob said grinning he then practically dragged me out of the room into the kitchen. "Besides no point doing her a favour by making her look prettier" he stated.

"Sorry about that. I should have brought you with me so you didn't have to listen to that. I've made some huge mistakes but they were all in the past." I said whilst looking down at the floor.

"If you hadn't gone to punch her. I would've I was seriously close to punching that bitch in the face myself. It was your attempt to do that, that stopped me. I almost didn't stop you but I thought she would have your ass thrown in jail." Jacob told me, he was so fucking understanding.

"Holy fucking Sherlock." Jacob yelled and I laughed at him then asked him what he was yelling about.

"You have an indoor heated pool and a Jacuzzi" Jacob exclaimed in excitement.

"I do?" I asked, puzzled I then turned around to look at what Jacob was staring at. Through the glass door there was a pool, an indoor pool. An actual indoor pool. Fucking Ace! We scrambled through the door where a blast of warmth hit us.

"This is so fucking awesome" I said, looking at the pool, surprisingly Jacob picked me up bridal style. I began to panic at his touch, but I tried not to show it. He won't hurt me, I chanted to myself, attempting to calm myself down.

"Into the pool you go." Jake said wearing an evil smile on his face. He threw me in! As I emerged from the water I laughed.

"Revenge time, Jake your turn" I said before tackling him into the pool.

"You should be in the NFL. You're so strong" Jake joked. I laughed, "well 7 months worth of self defence classes helps". After about an hour in the pool, we clambered out and dried off with a pair of towels. I waved Jake bye as he left. As I turned around to enter the living room, I saw everyone on the couch waiting for me.

"Hello?" I said questioning. Everyone carried on staring at me. Rosalie looked directly at me, her eyes a bloodshot red like she'd been crying.

"What's your problem Bella? I get off the phone with Renee and she barely talks to me because she was crying so hard about you running away. But she did mention something about not knowing where you were and that you're apparently on suicide watch I think is what she mentioned it was hard to work it out through all the sobbing. And then Rosalie tells us that you went to hit her." Emmett said.

"Yeah I don't have a problem well , no, I am actually depressed that I didn't get to punch her in the face." I said laughing.

"This isn't a joke" Emmett said.

"Neither was what I said about being upset I didn't get to hit her. Em she deserved it, after she called me a walking STD" I shouted at him. Alice started laughing.

"What? It's true, you've obviously slept around with a bunch of people." Alice said in Rosalie's defence. Rosalie gave her a high-five and everyone started half laughing about the comment. It felt like someone had winded me. I stood there speechless.

"Fuck you all. Fuck this life." I said to them before running out of the house to my truck. I noticed that there was a note on the dashboard. I gasped when I read it. I would recognise the hand writing anywhere. It said "I'm coming for you Bella, not now but I will eventually." I began hyperventilating after reading it. I couldn't stop the tears that started flowing, even if I tried. I turned the key in the engine and drove off. I kept on driving whilst crying. I turned on the radio to see if that would help. A minute or two later they began to play the song Welcome to my life by simple plan as I started to listen to the lyrics. I came to the realization that the lyrics basically told my life story. I related to them so much.

**(A.N: The lyrics in bold are Bella's thoughts)**

Do you ever feel like breaking down? **Yes all of the time**

Do you ever feel out of place?  
Like somehow you just don't belong  
And no one understands you **who could understand what I've been through**

Do you ever wanna run away? **I have 3 times**

Do you lock yourself in your room?  
With the radio on turned up so loud  
That no one hears you screaming **Good idea no more screaming into pillows**

No you don't know what it's like  
When nothing feels all right  
You don't know what it's like  
To be like me

To be hurt **I hurt emotionally all of the time**

To feel lost **I don't know what to do**

To be left out in the dark  
To be kicked when you're down** Kicked when I'm down yea after the worst thing that happened in my life 'the incident' all of my friends and brother abandoned me at my time of need**

To feel like you've been pushed around **Pushed around more like punched around**

To be on the edge of breaking down  
And no one's there to save you **No one cares about me enough to save me from Phil**

No you don't know what it's like  
Welcome to my life

Do you wanna be somebody else? **I want to be the old Bella**

Are you sick of feeling so left out? **Left out more like shunned**

Are you desperate to find something more?  
Before your life is over

Are you stuck inside a world you hate? **I hate being called a slut**

Are you sick of everyone around? **Yes**

With their big fake smiles and stupid lies  
While deep inside you're bleeding **This line relates to my life so much**

No you don't know what it's like  
When nothing feels all right  
You don't know what it's like  
To be like me

To be hurt  
To feel lost  
To be left out in the dark  
To be kicked when you're down  
To feel like you've been pushed around  
To be on the edge of breaking down  
And no one's there to save you  
No you don't know what it's like  
Welcome to my life

No one ever lied straight to your face **Phil lied to me when he said that we were just getting a gift for Rosalie**

No one ever stabbed you in the back **All of my friends left me alone talk about stabbing someone in the back**

You might think I'm happy but I'm not gonna be okay** Happy?! I'm nothing near happy**

Everybody always gave you what you wanted  
Never had to work it was always there  
You don't know what it's like, what it's like

To be hurt  
To feel lost  
To be left out in the dark  
To be kicked when you're down  
To feel like you've been pushed around  
To be on the edge of breaking down  
And no one's there to save you  
No you don't know what it's like (what it's like)

To be hurt  
To feel lost  
To be left out in the dark  
To be kicked when you're down  
To feel like you've been pushed around  
To be on the edge of breaking down  
And no one's there to save you  
No you don't know what it's like  
Welcome to my life  
Welcome to my life  
Welcome to my life

**Welcome to my life it sucks.**

I had to pull my car over because I was crying that hard. I reached for my journal and wrote

_Dear Diary,_

_Rosalie and Alice called me a walking STD. I want to punch Rose but was stopped by Jake. He also gave me a compliment, well sort of. He told me I should be in the NFL for my mad tackling skills. I relate so much to the song Welcome To My Life by Simple Plan. 'No one knows what its like to be me. To be kicked when I'm down. 'But I'm just going to let fate take its course. I can't be bothered anymore._

_Signed from the NFL and walking STD Bella._

_I had decided to let fate take its course. So as I drove back on to the road. I shut my eyes as tight as I could and stomped my foot on the gas hard._

_**DA DA DAAA I thought this chapter needed a little dramatic music so anyways Review!**_


	6. Chapter 6

**Hey Guys I hope you like this chapter be sure to review. Your reviews keep me sane so keep it up guys. And all you have left to do is… Enjoy!**

Behind me I could hear a lot of cars honking their horns at me and people were screaming profanities. Wonder why that is I haven't hit anyone. I thought to myself. I could hear the police sirens right behind me, shit; I re-opened my eyes and pulled over. Fuck fuck fuckitty fucking shit. Ok so I'm high the police are coming over. Maybe if I act normal they won't notice that I'm high on pain meds. I repeated this to myself in an desperate attempt at calming myself down.

"Miss, I would like to see your license and registration, please." The officer asked. So I grabbed out my license from the glove compartment, I then began to search the other compartments for my registration. When I found the registration finally at the bottom of one the compartments I handed them to him hoping I hadn't uncovered any of the pain meds or drugs I had stashed.

"Hang on—Isabella Swan, are you related to-" The officer started as he read my name off my license and registration forms. I knew what he was about to ask so I cut him off before he could finish asking.

"You were gonna ask if I was related to Charlie Swan right? Well yes to answer your question frankly. I'm his daughter." I answered him in as bored a tone that I could muster. Charlie… Charlie Swan is the chief of police well the people think of his a more than a chief of police, he's a legend to them. Shame he doesn't treat his family like he does other people really because to be quite frank he is an arsehole he gives more of a damn about his job than he does his own kids.

"He never mentioned he had children, funny that." The officer told me. Like I stated earlier he doesn't give a damn about us. He could care less about me and Emmett.

"Right" it was all I could say, the answer that the police officer gave didn't surprise me. I was expecting that would be his answer but it still hurt to hear.

"This time I'll let you off with just a warning. But if I catch you driving—" He cut off suddenly in mid-sentence. "Get out of the truck." He demanded. Fuck he has seen something and I was so fucking close of getting off scot free.

"What now?" I asked as he opened my door, then practically dragged me out of my car. He reached in and grabbed the bottle of pain pills. Fuck I should've moved them before he came to the truck or when I was looking for my license and registration papers. How could I have been so stupid as to leave them in the cup holder? The pain pill bottle said Jane Volturi. Fuck. I'm so screwed. He slammed me hard against the side of my truck. He then proceeded to pin my hands behind my back and read out my rights. I was under arrest because I was an idiot.

"Get off me" I shouted but he ignored me and tried to hand cuff me.

I began panicking, the way he had me pinned, reminded me of how Phil handcuffed me. So without thinking I ripped my hands from his grasp then kneed him where the sun doesn't shine. He fell to the ground. Another stupid move. Well done Bella, what the hell, did you have to go and do now? They already had me for speeding and drug possession. Now they've got assaulting a police officer to add to that list. Well done you fucking moron. I felt a painful shock and yelped in agony, he had fucking tazered me.

That shit fucking hurts. "I think I'm gonna need back up" The officer said into his radio thingie. "Don't move" the officer said but I ignored him and stood up so I got tazered again, right on my side.

"Fuck you arsehole stop fucking tazering me. Fucking stop" I swore at them because damn that hurts. I was in pain and they kept tazering me, adding to the pain already coursing through my body. Fucking cunts, bet they enjoy watching me squirm in pain.

"Well I think we've solved the mystery, no wonder Charlie doesn't talk about you." He mumbled. If I could move I would've beaten the crap out of him, just for saying that, but as it was I could barely move, getting tazered does an half hurt like a mother fucker. The officer then hand cuffed me whilst another one pushed me into the cop car. Sitting in the officers' car I watched as they had the tow truck tow my truck away. I knew they were having it taken to the station to use as evidence. Somehow I managed to manoeuvre the note from Phil, from my pocket to my bra. Glad that they wouldn't find out about him. I didn't want or need to have to relive that chapter of my life to them.

When I arrived at the station, everyone started laughing and saying stuff to the officer who was leading me."Ha Ha Joe you're telling us, you couldn't handle her, that this little girl took you down". Everyone laughed harder when the officer called 'Joe' grabbed some ice and shoved it down his pants. They took my finger prints then led me to have my mug shot taken. After all that had been dealt with they threw me in a jail cell.

"You get one call." Joe the officer yelled and then gave me a dirty look. Fuck, just great who should I call? I can't call Emmett, he's pissed at me. Edward will probably be busy fucking the ginger how Tanya. Renee would hold this against me and insist I move back with her. Jake, well Jacob has no money but still is probably my best option. Okay so it's decided, I'll ring Jacob. The phone started to ring. Pick up, Pick up, Pick up, please pick up. Come on pick up the damn phone Jake. Pick up! I chanted to myself and after a couple of rings or so he picked up the phone.

"Jacob?" I asked politely.

"Who this?" Jake asked, probably, well most likely not recognizing the number. Then again he might not have caller ID on his phone.

"Hey Jake, its Bella. I need your help. I'm in some serious shit." I told him.

"What happened?" Jacob asked, his voice on full alert. Now that I had mentioned who I was and that I was in trouble.

"Err, well err I'm kind of in jail." I blurted out hoping I hadn't shocked him too much.

"What?!" Jacob asked. I don't know whether he was surprised or pissed that I had rang him of all people to come bail me out.

"Well the story is I kinda got caught speeding, then was found in the possession of drugs. Oh and I also kicked a police officer in the nuts." I said half laughing at the part where I told him about assaulting the officer. Jacob laughed at that part too.

"That's my girl" Jake said. I laughed although I stopped pretty quickly, as it hurt when I laughed. Fucking Tasers. "Ow" I said aloud forgetting I was on the phone.

"What?" Jakey asked panic beginning to show in his voice. At least someone still cares about me enough to be concerned for my well fare.

"Oh yeah I forgot to mention that the officer I kicked, tazered me twice." I told him as gently as I could. Fuck me, the pain was starting to kick in, it hurt to even talk. I'm never kicking an officer again if it means not getting tazered again. It hurts way too much. The officer isn't worth that amount of pain. No matter how much he pisses me off.

"No fucking way! They got you twice?" Jake asked wonder filled his voice. "Yupp!" I popped the 'p' then began to tell him how much pain I was currently in because of it "it's worse than getting a period and they hurt like hell. It even hurts to-" I started but Jacob cut me off.

"Talk." He stated, finishing my sentence.

"How do you know?" I asked. Wondering whether, he had assaulted an officer before, like I just did. "I was 8 and I found my dad's taser, so obviously being the child I was, I thought messing with my dad's taser, was a brilliant idea. But I managed to accidently taser myself. I think I cried for 3 hours straight it was that painful. Did you cry?" Jacob asked when he finished his story. I couldn't help but laugh at the thought of Jake as an 8 year old who accidently tazered himself when messing around with his daddy's taser. "I didn't cry however I did swear a lot." I answered him.

"Tough bitch." Jacob said and I burst into another fit of laughter.

"Stop making me laugh, Jake it hurts way too much." I said seriously.

"Don't worry Bells, I'm on my way now. I'll see ya in a few" Jacob said and hung up on me. I hung up shortly afterwards. I had only been back in my cell for a few minutes when they came back. I was taken to some interrogation room. My side was protesting in pain as I walked, but they couldn't give a damn. Charlie was already in the room when I entered. Great I'm gonna be interrogated by him. Althouh I didn't think that this was normally allowed are you allowed to be interrogated by family members isn't there some sort of law against this? I thought to myself. This is gonna be awesome, did you pick up on the heavy sarcasm in my voice? I wonder.

"Possession of drugs, speeding, assaulting an officer?!" Charlie yelled outraged. His voice was filled in disbelief that I could embarrass him like that. "Who gave you the drugs? Where did you get them?" Charlie asked and I stayed quiet. I refused to answer.

"I don't know." I told him. "So did they magically appear in your truck?." Charlie asked sarcasm filled every word. "Apparently they did." I answered with as much sarcasm as I could muster. Did he really think I was gonna be that much of an idiot as to incriminate myself further. Charlie slammed his hand on the table. Now I had two options, they were either I rat Jake out or I take the blame for something I didn't do. Which would piss Charlie off more? I decided upon the latter option.

"I wasn't given them." I said with a sigh. "I stole them" Charlie looked satisfied at me finally seeming to cooperate that look then turned to horror as he realised what I had admitted to. He was horrified with my answer. Satisfied that I was finally co-operating, and horrified that I had admitted to stealing he realised how bad this situation must've looked upon him. I couldn't have embarrassed him more. I was glad I had made the right decision. He deserves this. The humiliation karma is such a fantastic bitch when she wants to be.

"Well Joe, you can add stealing to her record too." Charlie said annoyed. "Isabella, come to my office." Charlie demanded, in an angry tone, which still sounded professional. I walked to his office as slowly as I could. My sides hurt like hell so I sat down in a chair. He sat down behind his desk and folded his hands. "Isabella Marie Swan" Charlie said stumbling on my middle name and glared. He was ashamed that I was his daughter I could tell.

"That's my name don't wear it out. As its probably the only thing you do know about me. Do you even know how old I am? Or how old Emmett is? What sport he likes? What's my favourite song? When you can barely manage to get my name right" I screamed. Charlie looked like he didn't even care; he was looking at me like I was a psycho. I probably looked like one too but I didn't care.

"Isabella." He said as he pinched the bridge of his nose looking stressed. Oh well. "78 hours of community service and a $7,500 fine. Congratulations you have a police record" Charlie said, with mock enthusiasm. "Great, a how are you would be nice, seeing as one of your cop buddy's tazered me twice!" I said with the same amount of mock enthusiasm.

"I'll pay the fine like any responsible parent would." Charlie said, trying to avoid the subject by looking through a person's record, not even looking at me. "Oh ok your trying to buy your way back into my life is that it?" I said pissed off. He had a fucking nerve. "Who said I wanted to be in your life. I need to focus on my work. You could have worse than a father who bails you out of jail. Isabella." Ouch, that hurt, but then again that's all he ever does. I don't know why I expect something else from him. "I don't want to be bailed out of anything." I said. **(AN: Guess which film I took that line from. I dare you!)**

"You're pathetic." I said to him. "I'm pathetic? I didn't get knocked up. You're the one who got knocked up at 18." Charlie said back.

_Flashback_

_Positive! The little test said! I started crying, I can't do this! I'm only 18 and I'm carrying Phil's child. A baby that will be born of rape. Why'd he have to rape me? Why me? He has ruined my life. I began sobbing heavily. I did the only thing left that I could do. I left the bathroom and packed my bags. I decided I was going to move to Renee's house. About 2 months into my pregnancy, something went wrong. The baby had died inside my womb. They sliced my stomach open to get him out. _

"_What do you want to name him?" The doctors kept on pestering and asking. They constantly kept on at me telling me to look at him. Like I hadn't suffered enough._ "_Why are you doing this to me, I don't want to fucking look at him or name him. His dead" I screamed._

"_You have to name him, it's for the gravestone." The doctors said, even though the kid was created through rape, I loved him the first time I saw him on the ultrasound. I said the first name that came to mind_ "_Carter Edward Swan" I said. I thought Carter was out of the room, so when I opened my eyes to see he was still there. I cried he looked so tiny and his body was coloured in different shades of blue and purple. I lost it completely and began to scream. I called Emmett, I was sobbing, telling him that I needed him to come and comfort me in the hospital, but he never came. Story of my life. No-one comes when I need them._

_End Flashback _

I stormed out of his office pissed off. I slammed the office door behind me, despite the fact that my side was hurting. I ran out of the station, tears starting to swell in my eyes, the tears began to pore over. I saw that Jacob's rabbit (the car, he had built himself), pull up. I hopped into his car.

"Are you ok Bells?" Jacob asked, and his fingers brushed softly against my cheek, wiping away some of the silent tears off in the process. I nodded yes, because, I fear if I spoke then I would start to sob. I closed my eyes trying to calm down.

"It's just Charlie, you know the police chief or something, he's my dad, and he is an asshole. He doesn't give a shit about me or my brother Emmett. When we were little, he was never home, always working. He wouldn't shed one tear if I died. He told me that—that – that he wants me out of his life, so that he can focus on his work." I said, my voice thick with tears.

"You have a brother?" Jacob asked curiosity filling him. "Yea Emmett. You've seen him; he's the muscular tall guy with curly short hair and brown eyes." I said.

"Oh yeah he does look like you. The way that you act towards one another, it just seems like you're enemies." Jake stated. "I fucked things up with him, so he hates my guts." I said this added to the tears that were now falling rapidly.

"Well, my dad Billy, was a police chief too, he was in a high speed race and his car flipped over so now he's in a wheel chair." Jacob said and I saw that there were tears in his eyes too. "Sorry Jake" I said sincerely. Jacob started driving fast like a maniac, but he was no-where close to driving as fast as Edward used to. Edward drove like a maniac or a Formula One driver I could never decide between the two.

"So was it like the movies?" Jacob asked and I chuckled. "No way similar at all. The movies lied. I mean Charlie tried to seem bad ass, but he came off as a poser. They found the drugs I bought from you in my truck, but don't worry I didn't rat you out, I told Charlie I stole them." I said. Thankful that I hadn't ratted him out. "Thanks Bells" Jake said in response as we pulled into the driveway. We had arrived back at the house. It was 10am so I had been gone a whole day practically. "Fuck" I said as I tried to stand and climb out of the car.

"Here I got you." Jacob said. "No I'm fine" I began to protest, but he picked me up anyway. As carefully as he could. Although I cringed a little bit at his touch, it wasn't as bad as it could have been. He hadn't seem to notice my reaction. He put me down at the front porch and gave me a hug before he left.

I walked into the kitchen and was in the process of getting some frozen peas out of the freezer to put on my side to numb it a little. When Jasper walked in the kitchen to make some popcorn, probably for a movie.

"Bella are you ok?" Jasper asked, then I realized that I was still crying and my eyes were probably bloodshot from me crying earlier. "Why would you care?" I asked abruptly. Jasper stayed quiet for a second. "Bella I've known you since I was 5." Jasper said pausing before carrying on with what I assumed he was going to say "although we're not the best of friends.-" Jasper said. I cut him off. "We aren't friends." I said my voice was shaky from the crying and pain. "Anyways I know when you're hurting. So tell me what's wrong?" Jasper asked a little concerned. Why is that? I wonder.

" I visited Charlie." I said my voice was thick with suppressed tears. Why was I telling him this?

"Bella" Jasper said looking like he was about to comfort me and say something else, probably because, he knew how Charlie could be, but then Alice came in glaring at me.

" Jazz get away from the slut. Before she tries to sleep with you too, just like she did when she cheated on Edward, and slept with Rosalie's boyfriend." Alice said with venom in her voice. I don't know what happened but something inside me snapped. Alice had found my breaking point it seems.

"Alice! Shut the fuck up, you don't know what happened. You're going off on what you were told by Rosalie. You don't have all the facts. So you have no right to call me that, when you've probably had sex more times than me. So by calling me a slut, technically you're calling yourself one too. You're the most annoying person I have ever met". I shouted angrily at Alice. Alice and Jasper were beyond shocked.

"Well you're- you're a backstabber." Alice stuttered.

"Oh good comeback I'm so hurt." I said sarcastically and Alice shrieked and ran off and Jasper ran after her I went to the bathroom and pulled out my razor box lifted up my sleeve and cut myself three times. I bandaged myself up. I couldn't walk up the stairs so I put the frozen peas under my shirt on my side and felt instant relief from the burning pain. I took out my journal and wrote.

_Dear diary,_

_I tried to let fate take its course and drive my car off of the road but it didn't work I kicked some officer in the balls and got tazored twice for that. Charlie called me pathetic and didn't even know my full name he doesn't give a shit about me. Jake told me about his dad and I cried not from the tazor pain but from the emotional pain. I stood up for myself today Alice called me a slut and I called her out. Oh yeah So here I am on the couch with peas on my side._

_From the Bella that can finally stick up for her self_

I put the note Phil gave me in the journal closed and locked it I slowly drifted to sleep on the couch.

**What did you think about Bella getting arrested, The Charlie encounter and her sticking up for herself when she and Alice had a fight? I wrote an extra long chapter so please review I hope you liked this chapter. Review! And 10 points for who can guess which film I took that line from and which character said it!**


	7. Chapter 7

**Hello, I hope you all enjoyed the last update. I would like to say well done to anyone who correctly guessed which film and character that I borrowed the quote from. Enjoy this chapter! And Review!**

I woke screaming into the pillow and I could hear several other people screaming along with me. I opened my eyes and glanced up as Emmett flicked the lights back on before pausing their movie.

"Fuck me" I said aloud I had forgotten that I had stayed on the couch and was not in my bedroom. Everyone turned to stare at me, searching my face for an answer. I chose to ignore them and glanced at my phone hoping for a distraction. Everyone was still looking at me, waiting for an answer. It was late, I doubled checked the day and found out that I had slept solidly for 24 hours. It was the next night. Fucking hell I had been on the couch for 24 hours and no one had wondered what was wrong stupid drugs knocking me out for so long! Fucking messing my sleeping habits up. I looked at the tv screen to find out what they were watching, they had been watching Paranormal activity. No wonder they screamed, when I woke up screaming. I must have startled them. Oh well, who cares. They can get over it.

"What the hell was that for Bella?" Emmett asked as though I had deliberately woken up screaming. He had interrupted me from my thoughts. I ignored him and stood up from the couch, but I immediately fell back down wincing. Guess I wasn't ready to stand up then huh I swore under my breath. I looked round the room waiting for some snide comment to be thrown my way. I glanced at Edward and his bitch, Tanya; of course they were sitting on the love seat together. However I did notice that Edward looked slightly worried but as I continued to stare at him he put on a poker face, masking the concern held in his eyes. Was he worried about me? I questioned myself. It can't be. He wouldn't, would he? I think he was hoping that Tanya hadn't noticed his concern but it seemed that she had, because she looked between Edward and I, then turned and began to kiss him furiously. Like a "reminder" to me that he was hers now, and Edward would never be mine again. I stood up abruptly because I would rather be in pain, than stay in the same room and watch them make-out. I walked into the kitchen and threw the once frozen but now watery peas into the trash can. There was a knock at the front door, hopefully it would be Jake.

I was about to answer the door but Jasper beat me to it. I looked to see who was at the door and saw that it was the police officer Joe. Shit, the one and only, the exact same Joe that I had kicked in the balls. The same Joe that had tazered me.

"Is an Isabella Swan here?" the officer asked Jasper.

"Wait here. I'll go see if she's here" Jasper said to Joe. Fuck me can I get any worse luck. I mimed to Jasper to tell him that I was out and wouldn't be back for a while. "You're in luck she's here, she said to tell you she will be here in a minute she was just finishing up on the phone." Jasper said in as cheery a voice as he could manage. I groaned before leaving the kitchen and walking to the door. Jasper leant down and whispered in my ear. "That's what you get when you mess with me and my girl." How fucking childish could he be I wanted to stick my tongue out at him in retaliation but I would drop myself down to his childish level. So I guess commenting on how childish that was would make me a bit of a hypocrite.

"Hey Joe. What can I do for you?" I asked hoping he would get right to the point. I didn't want to hang around. "Sign here." Joe told me pointing to the dotted line on the paper. He handed me the paper attached to a clip board so that I could sign it. The paper was just a form that basically told me that they had taken the drugs out of my truck and were now returning the truck back to me. Blah blah blah blah blah.

"Here's your keys" Joe sneered as he handed me my keys to my truck. I saw my truck was sitting in the driveway like it should have been all along. I closed the door behind me. I was going to do the best thing that I could do at the time I was gonna go and get drunk.

12 hours later…

I awoke in a drunken haze. Fog filled the inside of my truck, urgh I was still in my truck, I was parked outside the house, and hopefully there wouldn't be any more confrontations. I checked in my journal to see if I had written anything about what had happened but when I looked the page was blank. Fuck I must have been really drunk if I hadn't written down anything in my journal. According to the clock on the dash board it was almost 9:30 in the morning. I climbed out of the truck and went into the house. I went upstairs to take a shower and just when I was getting ready to climb in the shower I found something shocking. I had a white bandage covering something that was positioned, just above the waist of my jeans, on my left side, just below the left side of my belly button.

After I had finished in the shower, I decided I would have a look at what was under the bandage. I took off the bandage, I was so curious to see what was hidden underneath it, I gasped when I noticed that I had a tattoo underneath the bandage, it was a medium size tattoo, in black cursive writing. That read Flying high is flying free with an image of two hands holding a butterfly with the words caging the butterfly in. Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck! How stupid am I?! How stupid could I be to get a tattoo? With those words none the less! It was almost like I was publicly announcing that I was dirty little drug user. I mean I know I am but no one else needs to know. I put on my last pair of clean dark blue skinny jeans with a black tee shirt. I then grabbed my comfiest hoodie which was a grey zip up hoodie. I grabbed up the E necklace and tucked it into my hoodie pocket. I had decided I was going to give it back to Edward and if he didn't want it then I would pawn it, to pay for the replacement drugs. I grabbed my phone and put a reminder to pick up some washing detergent as I had run out of most of my black coloured clothes as they were dirty.

Note to self: go shopping, do the laundry, pick up more drugs and get the tattoo removed. Hopefully it won't hurt too much. Wait a minute, doesn't it hurt like a 1000 times more than it does just getting the tattoo. So how do I get it removed with as little a pain as possible, oh I know I could get drunk again, and then get the tattoo removed, genius! On the plus side my side no longer hurt from the taser, yay! I went downstairs and began to pour some cereal into a bowl. I saw Tanya, Rosalie, and Alice, they were laughing way too loud. It was the kind of laugh that people use when they try to make someone see what they're missing. As though they were trying to show me how much I was missing out on. All of a sudden they became quiet and then glared at me, they whispered and laughed at whatever their mean joke was about before looking over their shoulders at me, and of course me being me I turned and flipped them off. They all looked away until Rosalie said loud enough for me to hear her. "I knew she was a slut, but still I can't believe that she got knocked up at 18!" They laughed, I stopped pouring the cereal, my heart shattered again as my whole body tensed up. How?! How did they find out? The only people that knew were; Renee, Phil, Charlie, and Emmett. _Emmett!_ Realization slapped me hard in the face. That – that – that jackass. I am pissed off! No I'm beyond pissed off. I stormed upstairs and started looking in all the rooms for Emmett. When I find him, he will wish he had never been born, I am that furious with him. I opened the door next to mine. It was Edward's room! Sitting there on the bed were Jasper, Edward, and Emmett playing video games. I rushed in furious, I looked around the room and saw sitting on Edwards dresser were XL condoms, ugh he has such a huge ego. Pretending he needs that size condom when he probably only needs small. **(A.N: hahahahahahhahahahahahhahaha)**

"Emmett" I yelled but he ignored me acting like I wasn't even there. "Emmett" I yelled with more force but he still wouldn't budge. So I grabbed the remote and turned off the TV and threw it at Emmett full pelt. It hit him right in the forehead, serves him right. Edward, Jasper, and Emmett glared at me.

"What is your problem?" Emmett asked me. "Why did you throw that at me?" He brandished the remote like it was some dangerous weapon. "Wh-How-ugh-I" I said I was so angry that I couldn't even talk to him.

"Are you drunk?" Emmett asked, I closed my eyes, took a deep breath in then opened them.

"No Emmett I'm not drunk" I said trying to keep my voice steady. "How could you do that to me?" I continued. They all wore a questioning look on their faces. Puzzled they didn't have a clue what I was talking about. Clearly I was going to have to spell it out to them. "Emmett ,can I talk to you in private?" I asked as I didn't want to say it in front of company in case they didn't know. Jasper and Edward left shutting the door behind them, although they were probably standing outside the door eavesdropping.

"I don't know how I could've trusted you but I must have been dosed up to my eyeballs on so many hospital meds I must've have been out of my head because I trusted you." I said the anger filling my voice, was high, after a couple minutes he must have finally worked out what I was talking about as comprehension flickered across his face.

"How could you do that to Edward and Rosalie?" Emmett asked.

"Fuck you Emmett, why do you always bring that up in every conversation we have?" I yelled at him. He stayed silent however I decided to interrupt the silence to ask him why he told Rosalie about the pregnancy and miscarriage he responded by telling me "she asked what you meant, when you said, whilst you were drunk, that I was just like Charlie when I didn't visit you."

"Oh so that gives you the right, to tell someone about my personal life, without my permission. You told Rosalie about the hardest time of my life, one of the most difficult and damn right depressing event just because she asked. You had no fucking right Emmett. No fucking right to tell her. And then I had to find out you TOLD her because SHE was LAUGHING about my misfortune with ALICE and fucking TANYA. FUCK YOU EMMETT! Fuck you!" I screamed at Emmett furiously.

"Rose wouldn't do that." Emmett snapped defending Rosalie. "I know you two don't get on but Rosalie wouldn't do something so cruel? Unlike you who would sleep with your best friends boyfriend"

"Ok Emmett, fuck you. I'm so fucking tired of you treating me like crap. Telling people my personal business. You know what I'm over this. I'm out" I said. I held my hands up in surrender, opened the door, pushed past Edward and Jasper, and ran as fast as I could out the front door.

I practically leaped into my truck and slammed down on the gas and drove away in my truck to somewhere I never had gone before. Somewhere I probably should have gone earlier. Carter's grave…

**(A.N: I almost ended it here but I didn't want to leave all you guys hanging. LOL XD)**

I had gone to the grave yard that Carter was buried in. After a while of searching I found his grave. Carter Edward Swan. I sat next to his grave and well, I just sat there.

"Carter, Carter Edward Swan" I said aloud stifling the tears. I took a deep breath before continuing "I'm sorry that I haven't visited you before, b-b-but I want you to know that-that" My voice was thick with the tears that were currently streaming down my face, but I continued. "That I loved you from the first time I saw you on the ultra sound monitor. I wish every day since the day, you were born that you were here with me. Honestly I'd rather you be here alive than me. I wish I could swap places with you. I miss you. I would have been a great mom, at least I hope I would have been. I would have always put you first and and-" I said, but I couldn't finish what I wanted to say because I burst into tears. I laid down next to the grave and stayed there, a few hours passed and it started to rain, but I couldn't care less. It felt like I was home for the first time.

2 days later…

I hadn't been back to the house, since that argument with Emmett. I'm currently still at the graveyard lying beside Carter's grave. I haven't left well other than going to the toilet but still I haven't eaten or drunk anything and I don't really feel the need to. I stood up, it was time to go back, and so I left and went back to the house. When I arrived Emmett and Edward were standing in the kitchen looking panicked about something.

"Where the hell have you Bella?" Emmett asked he seemed worried. Strange he could have cared less about me, when he told Rosalie about Carter. He noticed that I was dripping wet, covered in mud from head to foot and was still in the same clothes, that I was wearing the last time I saw him. "Bella tell me where you have been this second you have no idea how worried we've been" Emmett said forcefully

"Emmett, are we really going to start this again?" I asked and went upstairs to take a much needed shower. I got changed and grabbed my razor. It had been a while since I had last cut so I cut my arm a little too deeply, but I needed it. After everything. I was in too much pain. I bandaged the cuts up and wrote into my journal. Recording the events of the past 2 days or so.

_Dear Diary,_

_Rosalie was a bitch. Emmett an arsehole. So basically the usual. I still can't believe he would betray me like that. What sort of brother does that. But then again what else should I expect. Emmett told Rosalie about the pregnancy and miscarriage. I never thought I could be so pissed off right now. But I guess I was wrong. As per usual. I visited Carter's grave for the first time. I guess it was something that I needed to do. Did I mention Edward has a huge ego? Well if I didn't then he has._

_Signed from, A pissed off Bella._

I went back downstairs and stepped back out the door. I went back to my truck and drove over to Jacob's house. He opened the door, seconds after I arrived on is property. He gave me a huge hug and chucked me over his shoulder, carrying me into his house. "Jake" I giggled as he put me down on his white leather couch, we joked around for a little bit before he took me outside to his garage. He showed me the Ducati motorcycle he had been working on. "Nice ride" I whistled and Jacob laughed.

"Wanna ride it?" Jacob asked.

"Do I!?" I said in excitement.

"The only problem is I don't know how to ride a motorcycle." I said. Jacob laughed at me. "Don't worry Bells, I'll drive, all you gotta do is hold onto my waist and not let go." Jake said seriously. He climbed on and beckoned me to get on behind him. I placed my arms around his waist the engine roared, it startled me. "Ready?" Jake asked before pushing off. He didn't wait for an answer. The motorcycle ride was smooth. We came to a stop at this beach which Jake informed me was called La Push Beach. I glanced around and saw a pack of shirtless guys jumping off of a cliff; Jake noticed that I was staring at them. He nodded in their direction "That's Sam and his 'wolf pack', at least that's what they call themselves. 'The Quileute Wolves', they're bad news".

"What are they doing?" I asked in wonder. It looked like a thrill. Maybe Jake could teach me that sometime I thought to myself silently.

"Their cliff diving, it's a total adrenaline rush." Jacob said. "I've never jumped off that cliff, its dangerous, someone I once knew died jumping from that height. I usually jump off the smaller ones that are lower down the cliff. You should stay away from Sam and his gang." Jacob said seriously.

"Why?" I asked him.

"They're bad news Bella, everyone round here is afraid of them; even I'm scared of them." Jacob said. I nodded knowing that he wanted to drop the conversation. Jake gave me a ride back on the motorbike, to my house and promised that he would drop off my truck off back at the house tomorrow. He hugged me goodbye, before I left him and went back inside. As I reached the front door Edward was leaving with Tanya. I swore I saw a hint of jealously in his eyes, but I must have been mistaken Edward hates me. I put my hand in my pocket and found the chain.

**How'd you guys like this chapter? What did you think about Bella's tattoo? Review! Review! Review! I want to know what you guys think. So tell me leave a review or two.**


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